Weird Al Lyric Story Challenge

My aunt challenged me to write a short story comprised entirely of Weird Al lyrics. I could use any of Weird Al's parodies or original songs, although I had to use at least three consecutive words from a song at any given time (no picking and choosing single words from different songs to string together into sentences).

I accepted the challenge and set to work. It was insanely difficult. I had to get pretty creative with enjambed lines sometimes, and I took liberties with punctuation and capitalization. Most of the story makes sense, though. I color-coded the lyrics and put a key at the end of the story.

Without further ado, I present my Weird Al Lyric Story.

I meet some chick, ask her this and that, like "Are you pregnant, girl, or just really fat?"

"You know I'm fat. That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head."

"But that's just perfect. A long, long time ago... riding in the bus down the boulevard and the place was pretty packed... Couldn't find a seat so I had to stand. Engines burned out and that's when the red alert came on the radio. I couldn't get to the door... I think this bus exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died except for me. You know why? Because I'm fat! I'm fat! You know. I'm a lucky man.

"Fat. You know, it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display. Well, they can bite me, baby."

And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"

Only question I ever thought was hard was "Do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?" I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"


Now a woman on a speaker box is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?" I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can. We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese. I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich. Ham on whole wheat."

I order all my sandwiches with mayonnaise.
I bite into those buns and... stop, don't go no further... That's not what I'm hungry for.

And now my woman's got this weird look frozen on her face. She screams, "Eat it! Eat it! Open up your mouth and feed it!"

I put my ear piece on because I'm tacky. Stephen Hawking's in my library.

She leaned right down next to me and she said, "How come you're always such a fussy young man? You dumb mouthbreather!"

"Okay, now here's the deal. I'll try to educate ya--"

And she said, "I could care less."

"That means you do care. At least a little."

"Oh, you're a lost cause... Get out of the gene pool."

"Really, now, I got snazzy suits and ties... got that swagger."

"I hate these hamburgers with onions and cheese."

We caught a ride back to Olive Garden. I say, "Tonight we're gonna party like it's the Renaissance fair."

And she said, "Bored to tears. Just stick it in your pointy ear, White and Nerdy."

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would marry her. Someday...

They laughin' and rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy. Turned the other cheek... I really don't care... 'cause I'll be laughin' my head off when my wife says... "I do," plus once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed.

"Tacky"

"Fat"

"Word Crimes"

"Amish Paradise"

"The Saga Begins"

"Another One Rides The Bus"

"Party in the CIA"

"Albuquerque"

"Yoda"

"Perform This Way"

"Trapped in the Drive-Thru"

"White and Nerdy"

"Eat It"